The Algorithm Doesn't Hate me; I Hate The Algorithm
And why I am tired of ignoring my inner wisdom to keep up with insta
Instagram must be the place where dreams get crushed beneath the steamroller of the ever evolving, hard to please, exhausting algorithm.
Before you start preaching at me through the screen to stop being a victim, I already know. I am not the victim of the insta algorithm. It can’t hate me. But lord do I hate it. If I write a break up letter to insta (which may be sooner than later), I would have to begin with, “It’s not you; it’s me”. Actually, it is instagram, but I am tired of trying to pretend I can keep up with a space that provides the actual antithesis of my spiritual and creative beliefs.
In January 2022, I created my insta to share my poetry. This decision came after a very extensive social media cleanse, in which I had completely deleted instagram and didn’t touch it for months. The cleanse was enacted in order to protect my mental health. I wanted more quiet, more contemplation in my life. I wanted to create a soft place for my anxiety and depression instead of ignoring them through frantic scrolling. The break was fantastic. I learned better coping skills. (I started taking anxiety meds.) I began to cultivate (or rather honor, notice and be comfortable) with an inner silence and calm. This practice nourished my creativity; poetry poured out of my soul; I gained confidence and joy in my crafts; I savored life.
During this cleanse, I was putting together my poetry collection loosely called, ‘What You Do Not Know: Soul Medicine for Liminal Spaces”, based on my experiences of deconstruction, mental illness, love and redemption. I wrote a book proposal and began researching all that I could about how to get published.
Being published has been a lifelong dream of mine. Since I could read, I was inventing and writing down stories. I illustrated picture books, having my mother write down the stories I invented. In middle school, I began writing poetry. In high school, the poetry continued, and I also played around with writing fiction. Nothing has changed in my adult life. This dream seems to be an integral longing of my soul, traveling with me for my whole life.
As I contemplated how to convince publishers that my writing really was worth investing in (at least I think…) I came to the inevitable conclusion that publishers do not want unmarketable authors without any audience. So I prayed, asking God, my ancestors and my inner spirit, what to do.
Right or wrong, better or worse, I created my insta and began posting my poetry.
Needless to say, the exact same reasons I was hesitant to begin putting my poetry on social media are the exact same reasons I want to quit!
Growing up in evangelical circles, quiet was demonized. Literally! Even “quiet times” that we were encouraged to keep daily, were filled with scripture reading, devotionals and constant prattling to God. No moment for silence or contemplation. I remember sermons about how evil meditation is supposed to be, that these moments of silence create spaces for the devil to influence us. (Tell me you don’t read your bible without telling me you don’t read your bible…)
After deconstructing this faith, I wanted to reconnect to my intuition. I wanted to learn to find the sacredness in the silence. To become comfortable with my inner stillness. In this faith journey (which paired with my leave of absence from social media), I learned to value this ancient practice, one used across centuries, religions and cultures.
I began to see silence and contemplation as the basis of my soul. Imagining this sacred oasis, a spring of water (cite John O’Donohue), constantly flowing within my being, providing a sacred meeting place with the Divine. That from this very quiet should spring my actions, thoughts, and creativity. Instead of constantly reacting to the world around me, I began to recenter around the divine stillness within me. I readjusted my life; instead of immediately reacting, I learned to listen to the sacred quietness first.
This re-centering assisted in healing religious trauma, reconstructing my faith beliefs, and cultivating creativity.
Going back to Social Media was a system shock, and it has only gotten worse! At first I enjoyed the challenge of growing a page. I enjoyed “meeting” new people. It was so encouraging to hear people enjoy and share my poetry. The novelty wore off faster than I care to admit.
Like I said, “it’s not you; it’s me”.
Instagram has become all about reaction. Making a reel before the audio gets over 1k uses. Copying the newest trend. Using the right hashtags. Oh wait, no hashtags, use the right key words. Forget pictures with long captions; it is all about videos now. Being curated. But not so curated that you are no longer relatable. Being funny and useful, but also trendy. Getting your posts seen, and then getting those views to turn into followers! Using the right filters and color combos. Posting every single day…
And still no publishing deal for me! (LOL… I kinda feel like God and my ancestors are snickering at me right now.)
Look, if this works for you, no hate!
But it is time for me to be honest, I am not willing to sell my soul to the algorithm. I want to write in silence, taking my time and sharing when I am ready. I don’t want to worry about catchy visuals or trending audio. I am not interested in copying what everyone else is doing. I am exhausted by the ever changing rules; the pressure to keep up.
But, I am interested in savoring life. Contemplating through experience, silence, and writing. I am still passionate about pursing my dreams of being a published author. I am still interested in connecting with other folks over art, poetry, religion, faith, crafts, food etc. So for the time being, I am going to keep up my insta but try moving most of my work to substack and lemon8 (@ejparks).
I plan on continuing to share poetry, life musings, thoughts on faith and spirituality, and maybe even some thoughts on cooking! So here’s to our dreams! May we continue to chase/pray/manifest them while also honoring our sacred inner lives!